[funny] A Miracle......
One morning a man came into the church on crutches. He stopped in front of
the holy water, put some on both legs, and then threw away his crutches.
An alter boy witnessed the scene and then ran into the rectory to tell the
priest what he'd just seen.
"Son, you've just witnessed a miracle," the priest said. "Tell me where is
this man now?"
"Flat on his ass over by the holy water," said the boy
Sachin's fun
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Funnies & Forewards.
[Joke] On A Flight
On a long haul flight, a mother took her young son to the toilet and told
him she would come back for him, in five minutes.
However, he was finished in two minutes so he left the toilet and wandered
off down the aisle, in the opposite direction from where his mother was.
Meanwhile, a businessman entered the toilet and locked the door.
After the five minutes were up, the mother knocked on the door and called
out, "Do you need any help with the zipper?"
From behind the door, a startled male voice said, "Good God !! That's what
I call service!!!!!"
[joke]Drinks All Around
A drunk walks into a bar and says to the bartender (with a drunken slur),
"Bartender, buy everyone in the house a drink, pour yourself one, and give
me the bill."
So, the bartender does just that and hands the man a bill for $57.00. The
drunk says, "I haven't got it."
The bartender slaps the guy around a few times then throws him out into the
street.
The very next day the same drunk walks into the bar and once again says
(with a drunken slur), "Bartender, buy everyone in the house a drink, pour
yourself one, and give me the bill."
The bartender looks at the guy and figures to himself that he can't
possibly be stupid enough to pull the same trick twice, so he gives him the
benefit of the doubt, pours a round of drinks for the house, has a drink
himself and hands the drunk a bill for $67.00. The drunk says, "I haven't
got it."
The bartender can't believe it. He picks the guy up, beats the living
daylights out of him, then throws him out into the street.
The next day the same drunk walks back into the same bar and says (with a
drunken slur), "Bartender, buy every one in the house a drink, give me the
bill. In disgust, the bartender says, "What, no drink for me this time?"
The drunk replies, "You !!?? No way! You get too violent when you drink.
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Visit my Marathi Shayari Website http://www.marathishayar.com
-- Sachin
What a way to go . . . .
Two guys meet up in a bar. The first one asks, "Did your hear the news -
Mike is dead??!!!"
"Whoa, what the hell happened to him?"
"Well he was on his way over to my house the other day and when he arrived
outside the house he didn't brake properly and boom - He hit the curb, the
car flipped over and he crashed through the sunroof - Went flying through
the air and smashed through my upstairs bedroom window."
"What a horrible way to die!"
"No no, he survived that, that didn't kill him at all. So, he's landed in
my upstairs bedroom and he's all covered in broken glass on the floor.
Then, he spots the big old antique wardrobe we have in the room and reaches
up for the handle to try to pull himself up. He's just dragging himself up
when bang, this massive wardrobe comes crashing down on top of him,
crushing him and breaking most of his bones."
"What a way to go, that's terrible!"
"No no, that didn't kill him he survived that. He managed to get the
wardrobe off him and crawls out onto the landing, he tries to pull himself
up on the banister but under his weight, the banister breaks and he goes
falling down on to the first floor. In mid air, all the broken banister
poles spin and fall on him, pinning him to the floor, sticking right
through him."
"Now that is the most unfortunate way to go!"
"No no, that didn't kill him, he even survived that. So he's on the
downstairs landing, just beside the kitchen. He crawls in to the kitchen,
tries to pull himself up on the stove, but reached for a big pot of boiling
hot water, whoosh, the whole thing came down on him and burned most of his
skin off him."
"Man, what a way to go!"
"No no, he survived that, he survived that! He's lying on the ground,
covered in boiling water and he spots the phone and tries to pull himself
up, to call for help, but instead he grabs the light switch and pulls the
whole thing off the wall and the water and electricity didn't mix and so he
got electrocuted, wallop, 10,000 volts shot through him." "Now that is one
awful way to go!"
"No no, he survived that..."
"Hold on now, just how the hell did he die?"
"I shot him!"
"You shot him? What the hell did you shoot him for?"
"Oh dear, he was wrecking my house."
way to the post office
A little boy was waiting for his mother to come out of the grocery
store.While he was waiting, a man came to him and asked, "Son, can you tell
me what is the way to the Post Office here?"
The little boy replied, "Sure! Just go straight down this street a couple
of blocks and turn to your right."
The man thanked the boy kindly and said, "I'm the new pastor in town. I'd
like for you to come to my church on Sunday. I will show you the way to the
Heaven."
The little boy replied with a chuckle. "Ya sure you will ..... You don't
even know the way to the Post Office here."
Parenting
Parenting quotes:
Insanity is inherited; you get it from your kids.
It now costs more to amuse a child than it once did to educate his father.
It rarely occurs to teenagers that the day will come when they'll know as
little as their parents.
Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth.
One child is often not enough, but two children can be far too many.
You can learn many things from children... like how much patience you have.
Vacations is a time when parents realize that teachers are grossly
underpaid.
There are three ways to get things done:
1) do it yourself
2) hire someone to do it
3) forbid your kids to do it.
There would be fewer problems with children if they had to chop wood to
keep the television set going.
Those who say they "sleep like a baby" haven't got one.
Toddlers planning on getting married!
A six-year-old boy told his father he wanted to marry the little girl
across the street. The father, being modern and well schooled in handling
children, hid his smile behind his hand.
"That's a serious step," he said. "Have you thought it out completely?"
"Yes," his young son answered. "We can spend one week in my room and the
next in hers. It's right across the street, so I can run home if I get
scared of the dark."
"How about transportation?" the father asked.
"I have my wagon, and we both have our tricycles," the little boy answered.
The boy had an answer to every question the father raised.
Finally, in exasperation, his dad asked, "What about babies? When you're
married, you're liable to have babies, you know."
"We've thought about that, too," the little boy replied.
"We're not going to have babies. Every time she lays an egg, I'm going to
step on it!"
Dinner Party
A businessman had arranged an important formal dinner party at his home
where they were going to serve stuffed whole baked fish as the main course.
While the guests were eating the appetizer, the cook came to the host
and whispered, "Please come urgently to the kitchen."
The host went to the kitchen where the cook explained that while he was
serving the starter, the cat ate a big chunk of the fish which they were
going to serve. The host said, "Just fill the hole with stuffing and
turn the other side up, nobody will notice."
The fish was served and when they were nearly finished eating, the host
was again called to the kitchen. The cook said, "The cat is dead!"
The host rushed back to the dinner party and apologized, "Something was
wrong with the fish and everyone must have their stomachs pumped out at
the hospital."
When they came back everything was still fine and the host went to ask
the cook, "Where is the cat?"
"Oh," said the chef, "The cat is still by the road where the car ran it
down."
State of art
Kanjibhai was telling his neighbour Ramjibhai , "I just bought a new
hearing
aid. It cost me forty thousand Rupees , but it's state of the art. It's
perfect."
"Really," answered Ramjibhai . "What kind is it?"
"Twelve thirty."
BIG Trouble!
There were two young brothers, 8 and 10 years old, who were exceedingly
mischievous. Whatever went wrong in the neighborhood, it turned out they
had a hand in it. Their parents were at their wits' end trying to control
them.
Hearing about a pastor nearby who worked with delinquent boys, the mother
suggested to her husband that she would ask the pastor to talk with the
boys and he agreed.
The mother went to the pastor and made her request. He agreed, but said he
wanted to see the younger boy first and alone. So the mother sent the
younger boy to the pastor.
The pastor sat the boy down across his HUGE, impressive desk. For about
five minutes they just sat and stared at each other. Finally, the pastor
pointed his forefinger at the boy and asked, "Young man, do you know where
God is?"
The boy looked under the desk, in the corners of the room, all around, then
said nothing. Again, louder, the pastor pointed at the boy and asked,
"Where is God?"
Again, the boy looked all around but said nothing. A third time, in a
louder, firmer voice, the pastor leaned far across the desk and put his
forefinger almost to the boy's nose, and asked, "Young man, I ask you,
where is God?"
The boy panicked and ran all the way home. Finding his older brother, he
dragged him upstairs to their room and into the closet, where they usually
plotted their mischief. He finally said, "We're in Bi-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-g
trouble.."
The older boy asked, "What do you mean, 'BIG trouble?'"
His brother replied, "I'm telling' ya', we're in BIG trouble. God is
missing and they think we did it !!!"
Snotty receptionist
An older gentleman had an appointment to see the urologist who shared
offices with several other doctors. The waiting room was filled with
patients.
As he approached the receptionist's desk, he noticed that the receptionist
was a large unfriendly woman who looked like a Sumo wrestler. He gave her
his name.
In a very loud voice, the receptionist said, 'YES, I HAVE YOUR NAME HERE;
YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?'
All the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads around to look at
the very embarrassed man.
He recovered quickly, and in an equally loud voice replied, 'NO, I'VE COME
TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE OPERATION, BUT I DON'T WANT THE SAME DOCTOR
THAT DID YOURS.'
[funny] Confession
An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation
ensues:
Man: 'I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children,
grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college
girls, hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them
three times.'
Priest: 'Are you sorry for your sins?'
Man: 'What sins? '
Priest: 'What kind of a Catholic are you?'
Man: 'I'm Jewish.'
Priest: 'Why are you telling me all this?'
Man: 'I'm 92 years old ...I'm telling everybody.'
Senior Dating
Candice and Hazel , two "senior" widows, are talking.
Candice, "That nice Johnson asked me out for a date. I know you went out
with him last week, and I wanted to talk with you about him before I give
him my answer."
Hazel, "Well, I'll tell you. He shows up at my apartment punctually at 7
P.M., dressed like such a gentleman in a fine suit, and he brings me such
beautiful flowers! Then he takes me downstairs, and what's there but a
luxury car, a limousine, uniformed chauffeur and all.
"Then he takes me out for dinner, a marvelous dinner lobster, champagne,
dessert, and after-dinner drinks. Then we go see a show. Let me tell you,
Candice, I enjoyed it so much I could have just died from pleasure! So then
we are coming back to my apartment and he turns into an ANIMAL. Completely
crazy, he tears off my expensive new dress and has his way with me two
times!"
Candice, "Goodness gracious!... so you are telling me I shouldn't go out
with him?"
Hazel , "No, no, no I'm just saying, wear an old dress!"
[joke] Recession Updates
Recession Updates
1. Ali Baba and the forty thieves are now Ali Baba and the thirty thieves.
Ten were laid off
2. Batman and Robin are now Batman and Pedro. Batman fired Robin and hired
Pedro because Pedro was willing to work twice the hours at the same rate
3. Iron man now "air-pooling" with Superman to save fuel costs.
4. Women finally marrying for love, and not money
5. Q: With the current market turmoil, what's the easiest way to make a
small fortune?
A: Start off with a large one.
6. The credit crunch is getting bad isn't it? I mean, I let my brother
borrow $10 a couple of weeks back, it turns out I'm now America's third
biggest lender.
7. Q: Why have Dubai real estate agents stopped looking out of the window
in the morning?
A: Because otherwise they'd have nothing to do in the afternoon.
8. Q: What's the difference between an American and a Zimbabwean?
A: In a few weeks, nothing.
9. Dow Jones is re-branded as "Down Jones".
[funny] Kids say the Darnest things
1. A kindergarten pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat, but it was dead.
"How do you know that the cat was dead?" she asked her pupil. "Because I
pissed in its ear and it didn't move," answered the child innocently. "You
did WHAT?!" the teacher exclaimed in surprise. "You know,"explained the
boy, "I leaned over and went ‘Pssst!' and it didn't move."
2. A small boy is sent to bed by his father. Five minutes later.....
"Da-ad...." "What?" "I'm thirsty. Can you bring drink of water?" "No, You
had your chance. Lights out." Five minutes later: "Da-aaaad....." "WHAT?"
"I'm THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??" I told you NO! If you ask
again, I'll have to spank you!!" Five minutes later......
"Daaaa-aaaad....." "WHAT!" "When you come in to spank me, can you bring a
drink of water?"
3. An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief,
finally asked him "How do you expect to get into Heaven?" The boy thought
it over and said, "Well, I'll run in and out and in and out and keep
slamming the door until St. Peter says, ‘For Heaven's sake, Dylan, come in
or stay out!'"
4. One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking
her son into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a
tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?" The mother
smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. "I can't dear," she said. "I have to
sleep in Daddy's room." A long silence was broken at last by his shaky
little voice: "The big sissy."
5. When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three year old
came into the room when I was just getting ready to get into the shower.
She said, "Mommy, you are getting fat!" I replied, "Yes, honey, remember
Mommy has a baby growing in her tummy." "I know," she replied, but what's
growing in your butt?"
6. One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little
to her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken Little tried
to warn the farmer. She read, ".... and so Chicken Little went up to the
farmer and said, "The sky is falling, the sky is falling!" The teacher
paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that farmer said?" One
little girl raised her hand and said, "I think he said: ‘Holy Shit! A
talking chicken!'" The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.
7. A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply, "I'm Mr.
Sugarbrown's daughter." Her mother told her this was wrong, she must say,
"I'm Jane Sugarbrown." The Vicar spoke to her in Sunday School, and said,
"Aren't you Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter?" She replied, "I thought I was, but
mother says I'm not."
8. A little girl asked her mother, "Can I go outside and play with the
boys?" Her mother replied, "No, you can't play with the boys, they're too
rough." The little girl thought about it for a few moments and asked, "If I
can find a smooth one, can I play with him?"
[Funny] naukar
Man 1: Wife agar husband ko naukar samjhe to husband ko kya karna chahiye?
Man 2: Zyada kuch nahi, do char ghar aur pakad lene chahiye.