Funnies & Forewards.

[Joke] Death Certificate "I need to revise the death certificate I just handed you." my fellow
doctor
said to a nurse I was working with.

"What's wrong?" she asked.

"It's a little embarrassing," he said. Then, pulling her aside, he
whispered, "I was in a hurry when I signed it and, well, I accidentally
wrote my name under "Cause of Death."

[joke] clever child Two little babies were sitting in their cribs, when one baby shouted to the
other, "Are you a little girl or a little boy?"

"I don't know," replied the other baby giggling.

"What do you mean, you don't know?" said the first baby.

"I mean I don't know how to tell the difference," was the reply.

"Well, I do," said the first baby chuckling, "I'll climb into your crib and
find out."

He carefully manoeuvred himself into the other baby's crib, then quickly
disappeared beneath the blankets.

After a couple of minutes, he resurfaced with a big grin on his face.

"You're a little girl, and I'm a little boy," he said proudly. "You're ever
so clever," cooed the baby girl, "but how can you tell?"

"It's quite easy really," replied the baby boy, "you've got pink socks and
I've got blue ones."

SHAME ON YOU, WHAT WERE YOU THINKING???

[hillerious]THE BEST Put Down LINE EVER For those that don't know him, Major General Peter Cosgrove is an
'Australian treasure!'

General Cosgrove was interviewed on the radio recently.
You'll love his reply to the lady who interviewed him concerning guns and
children. Regardless of how you feel about gun laws you have to love this!
It is one of the best comeback lines of all time. It is a portion of an ABC
interview between a female broadcaster and General Cosgrove, who was about
to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military headquarters.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
So, General Cosgrove, what things are you going to teach these young boys
when they visit your base?

GENERAL COSGROVE:
We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery and shooting.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?

GENERAL COSGROVE:
I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the rifle range.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching
children?

GENERAL COSGROVE:
I don't see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before
they even touch a firearm.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
But you're equipping them to become violent killers.
GENERAL COSGROVE:
Well, Ma'am, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one, are
you?

[pj] Rassi ko kya kahoge Q: Agar do pipal ke Pedon ko ek rassi se bandh diya jaye to us rassi ko kya
kahenge?
A: Us rassi ko bolengey NOKIA - Connecting pipal

[Funny] How stock market works A man appeared from nowhere in a suburb of Delhi infiltrated with Monkeys
and advertised to the residents that he would buy monkeys for $10.00 each
on
behalf of western countries where they will be adopted by kinder and richer
childless families and those who don't believe in human children. The
residents
seeing that there were many monkeys around, went out and started catching
old
monkeys. The man bought many, many at $10.00 and soon supply started to
diminish.
He raised the buying price and declared that he would now pay at $20.00
each. This energized the residents and they now started catching young male
productive monkeys and gave to the Man. Soon the supply diminished even
further
and people lost interest over other means of livelihood.
The offer rate increased to $25.00 per monkey. The people now caught lady
monkeys and baby monkeys and supply of monkeys became so thin that monkeys
became endangered species.

The man now announced that he would buy monkeys at $50.00 each. However,
since he had to go to the city to resell his monkeys to big multi national
company, his assistant would now buy on behalf of him.

In the absence of the man, the crooked assistant told the residents. Look
at
all these monkeys in the big cage that the man had collected. I will sell
them to you at $35.00 and when the man returns from the city, you can sell
them
back to the master for $50.00 each.
The residents depleted their savings, ran over each other to borrow, steal
and cheat for money and bought all the monkeys to be resold and have nice
cozy retirement.
Then they never saw the illusive man nor his crooked assistant and their
money, only damn monkeys everywhere laughing, gesturing at them and
multiplying
their population.

[joke] hostages A man robs a bank and takes hostages.

He asks the first hostage, "Did you see me rob the bank".

The hostage answers "yes". The robber, promptly, shoots him in the head.

Then he asks the second hostage if he saw him rob the bank.

The hostage answers, "no, but my boss did".

[Joke] The Bat THE BAT
Avampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood,
andparked himself on the ceiling of the cave to get some sleep.

Pretty soon all the other bats smelled the blood and startedhassling him
about where he got it. He told them to leave him alone andlet him get some
sleep.
However, they persisted until he finallygave in. "Okay, follow me," he said
as he flapped out of the cave withhundreds of bats behind him.
Down through a valley they went,across a river and into a forest of trees.
Finally he slowed and allthe other bats excitedly milled around him.

"Now, do you see that tree over there?" he asked. "YES, YES, YES!" all the
other bats screamed in a frenzy.
"Good," shouted the blood soaked bat, "because I didn't!"

[Hillerious] HELL..............COOLING DOWN OR HEATING UP.....? The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington
engineering mid-term. The answer was so "profound" that the Professor
shared it with colleagues, and the sharing obviously hasn't ceased...

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or Endothermic (absorbs
heat)?

Most of the students wrote Proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law, (gas
cools off when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.
One student, however, wrote the following:
"First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we
need to know the rate that souls are moving into Hell and the rate they are
leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell,
it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls
are entering Hell, let us look at the different religions that exist in the
world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of
their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there are more than one of these
religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can
project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are,
we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially.

Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's
Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay
the same, the volume of Hell has to expand as souls are added. This gives
two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter
Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all
Hell breaks loose.

2. Of course, if Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of
souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell
freezes over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa Banyan during my Freshman
year, "...that it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you.", and
take into account the fact that I still have not succeeded in having sexual
relations with her, then, #2 cannot be true, and thus I am sure that Hell
is exothermic and will not freeze."

This student received the only A!

[funny] Tired Dog
An old, tired-looking dog wandered into the yard. I could tell from his
collar and
well-fed belly that he had a home. He followed me into the house, down the
hall, and fell asleep in a corner.
An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out.

The next day he was back, resumed his position in the hall, and slept for
an

hour. This continued for several weeks. Curious, I pinned a note to his
collar:
"Every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap."

The next day he arrived with a different note pinned to his collar: "He
lives in a
home with ten children -- He's trying to catch up on his sleep.
Can I come with him tomorrow?"

[Hillerious] ONE HAPPY JUDGE A schoolteacher was given a ticket for driving through a red light.

When she appeared in traffic court, she asked the judge for immediate
attention to her case as she was due to be back in class.

The judge looked at her sternly and said: "So you're a schoolteacher. I am
about to realize a lifelong ambition. You sit down at that table over there
and write 'I will not go through a stop sign.' FIVE HUNDRED TIMES

[funny]Murder with cyanide A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the
pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I would like to buy
some cyanide."
The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"
The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."
The pharmacist's eye got big and he exclaimed, "Lord have mercy! I can't
give you cyanide to kill your husband. That's against the law! I'll lose my
license!
They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen.
Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"
The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in
bed with the pharmacist's wife.
The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now, that's
different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription."

[Joke] reunion A man and his wife were sitting at a table at his high school reunion
dinner, and he kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat
alone
at a nearby table.

The wife asked the husband, "Do you know her?"

"Yes," he sighed, "She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to
drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she
hasn't been
sober since."

"My God!" says his wife, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating
that long?"

[Joke] Kid's Logic "Give me a sentence about a public servant," said a teacher. The small boy
wrote: "The fireman came down the ladder pregnant."

The teacher took the lad aside to correct him. "Don't you know what
pregnant means?" she asked.

"Sure," said the young boy confidently. "It means carrying a child."

[quotes][funny] Doggy logic The reason a dog has so many friends is that he wags his tail instead of
his tongue. - Anonymous

There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face. - Ben
Williams

A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than heloves
himself. - Josh Billings

The average dog is a nicer person than the average person. - Andy Rooney

Dogs love their friends & bite their enemies, quite unlike people, who are
incapable of pure love & always have to mix love & hate. - Anonymous

If your dog is fat, you aren't getting enough exercise- Unknown

My dog is worried about the economy because Alpo is up to $3.00 a can.
That's almost $21.00 in dog money.- Joe Weinstein

Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and
get used to the idea. - Robert A. Heinlein

If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite
you; that is the principal difference between a dog and a man. - Mark Twain

Dogs are not our whole life, but they make our lives whole. - Roger Caras

If you think dogs can't count, try putting three dog biscuits in your
pocket and then give him only two of them. - Phil Pastoret

[Funny] party crashers It was at a party and the host was getting
worried because there were too many people and not enough refreshments. She
was
sure that not all of these people had been invited but didn't know how to
tell
which ones were the crashers. Then her husband got an idea....

He turned to the crowd of guests and said "Will those who are from the
brides side of the family stand up please?" about twenty people stood.

Then he asked " Will those who are from the groom side of the family stand
up as well?" about twenty five people stood up.

The He smiled and said

"Will all those who stood please leave, This is a birthday party".

[funny] Puncuation is powerful! A Proof of which Gender is Intelligent An English professor wrote the
words:
" A woman without her man is nothing"
on the chalkboard and asked his students to punctuate it correctly..

All of the males in the class wrote :
"A woman, without her man, is nothing."

All the females in the class wrote :
"A woman: without her, man is nothing."